loving Christmas again

I really want to love Christmas again.  There was a time I did.  I'd love the exploring for the right gift for someone I love. I loved freezing my butt off looking for the right tree, finding ever more handmade decorations.  Putting up the creche with sheep carved by someone who obviously had never seen a sheep.  I loved the energy, the hope.  And I can't quite figure out what happened.

Sometimes I think it was the shift in shopping from creation to retrieval - people putting gifts they wanted on hold, letting you know that the shop would only keep it on hold until the end of the day .... and so madly scurrying off to retrieve it.  Me doing the same, and feigning surprise.  But that's not it.  It's not external.  Sometimes I think it was a series of losses and tough news just before Christmas, but I know in my heart its not that either.

Exhaustion is an interesting word. Comes from Latin for 'drawing off' - like water being drawn off before it arrives at its destination, or, better, a gas escaping, air not going where it should.  It's about the breathing, and instead of inhaling Spirit [= Breath], and using it, the Breath escapes, and we use our own breath, start to draw on it it instead.  I've been breathing wrong, breathing worry, breathing resentment, trying to live in the illusion of  self-reliancy.  And whenever I do that, whenever I breathe in the wrong stuff, my own CO2, I end up in the same place. 

But the breathing is mine to do, one thing that clearly no one else can do for me.  

So my goal for the next 10 days is to breathe deeply, to inhale. Go for a little more oxygen and a little less CO2.

Comments

[darryl]

sweet post.

[Aligor]

I'll be doing it right along with you. Maybe we'll succeed this time. We are both blessed, and must try to stop forgetting it.